


Everyone Fights A Bear

by legalgood



Category: Redwall Series - Brian Jacques
Genre: Gen, a boar attacks, also they're all in the dark forest, auntie Ranguvar, because I wanted to completely disregard time and book continuities, but they're all fine, mention of drunkenness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:49:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7410034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legalgood/pseuds/legalgood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the title is deceptively inaccurate, while still being the best title for the work.</p>
<p>people wanted to see Martin fighting a bear, and Brocktree fighting a bear, so I decided that everyone should fight a bear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone Fights A Bear

“Lord Brocktree, sir?” The warrior mouse asked the huge badger, who was plowing through the trees of the Dark Forest at an alarming speed.

“Yes, Martin?” Brocktree replied without turning around.

“Why are we fighting a bear?”

“Because he said I wasn’t a fatal beauty, wot wot!” Dorothea Duckfontein Dillworthy said indignantly. Brocktree sighed as Martin looked confusedly around.

“Dotti? Weren’t you and Bucko staying behind to help Rose and Skittles prepare the feast?”

“Why, yes, wot! But I gave that old longears the slip and popped off to join you. I wasn’t going to let you and ol’ Brockers beat up that nasty bear all by yourselves, wot! Now, a quick paced march like this one deserves a jolly old marching song! I guess I’ll do the h’onors, wot, as I’ve got the nicest singin’ voice. The other daaaaaaaaaa—” Dotti was cut off by Brocktree’s huge paw clamping down over her mouth.

“Shhh, there’s someone following us. Martin.” Brocktree signaled for Martin to go one way, and he would go the other. They circled slowly, with weapons drawn. As they converged, Ranguvar Foeseeker and Jukka the Sling dropped out of the trees in front of them.

“Get that frogsticker awa’ from me, Martin, ‘s only yer Auntie Ranguvar.” Martin and Brocktree sheathed their swords.

“And just what are you two doing here?” Brocktree asked, exasperated. A small mission for a party of two was quickly becoming blown entirely out of proportion.

“Sire, we were by the preparations for the feast, when we noticed the departure of Miss Dotti. Ranguvar suggested going after her,” Jukka explained in her quaint speech.

“Are there any others with you?”

“Just us!” From the bushes emerged four otters.

“An’ we wasn’t followin’ them. We was followin’ ‘im.” One of the otters, Rangapaw, pointed to Bucko Bigbones, who stumbled out of the trees.

“Ah was just comin’ tae look an’ see where the bonnie lass got ‘ersel tae, Laird Brocktree. Next thing ah ken, these hooligans are tryin’ tae rough me up,” said Bucko by way of explanation. All of the other otters looked at Kite the Slayer, who was trying to hide behind Grath.

Lord Brocktree growled and began walking again. Martin and the rest of the company hurried to keep up with the badger’s long strides.

\----

“Skittles, would you ask Ambrose if the cordials are ready?” Laterose of Noonvale asked the hedgehog.

“Right away, Miz Rose.”

“Miz Rozer, whurr should oi put ee zoops?” Grumm asked. He was tugging a trolley loaded with large pots of soup.

“Right over there, Grumm. Thank you!” Rose scurried around the clearing, making sure that all the preparations were going smoothly.

“Rose, you can slow down a wee bit. Sit down, have a glass of mint tea.” Rowanoak handed the overworked mousemaid a cup.

“Thank you Rowanoak,” the mousemaid said gratefully, taking a sip of the tea. “Now, do you know where Boar’s gone off to? I need him to help with moving a few of the tables.” Rose made to stand up, but was pushed back into her seat by Rowanoak’s heavy paw on her shoulder.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Miz Rose. I’ll take care o’ it. Constance!” The badger called. Another badger bounded into the clearing.

“What is it, Rowanoak?”

“Have you seen Boar around today? Rose needs his help.”

“To move the tables,” Rose added helpfully.

“I can’t say I have. Brocktree and Martin went off on an adventure early this morning, dunno if they’ll be back for dinner. I can move those tables though, if you’d like,” Constance offered.

“Oh, thank you, Constance!” Again Rose made to rise from her chair, and again Rowanoak stopped her.

“No you don’t, young missy. Draw out how you want the tables on this piece of bark, and sit in the shade by Methuselah,” Rowanoak directed. Rose protested, but eventually drew out the plan and sat underneath one of the trees.

“Good-day, Laterose,” Methuselah said in his quiet voice.

“Good-day to you as well, Brother Methuselah.”

“Something odd is going to happen today, I can feel it. Back when I was alive in the Abbey, I’d’ve said that the spirit of Martin told me so.” The old mouse chuckled.

“I’ll have to have a talk with Martin about his supposed oracle skills. I daresay those would have been useful back at Marshank.” Martin had told the tale of his life many, many times by this point, and the Battle of Marshank was common knowledge.

“Perhaps, perhaps. Miz Polleekin had such a gift, and you young’uns may have done better to listen to her.”

“Oh, you don’t really think so, do you Brother? Martin couldn’t leave that fortress standing, not while there was breath in him to take it down.”

“I’m not saying that you should have followed her advice, only that you might have done better to follow it. I know Martin, and he would never leave before the battle was well and truly ended.”

“No, he wouldn’t. If you’d excuse me, Brother Methuselah, I think Constance and Rowanoak have finished setting up the tables.” The mousemaid rose (hehehheheheh) to her hindpaws, and walked over to survey the table setup.

“These all good, Rose?” Rowanoak asked, wiping sweat off her brow with a paw.

“They’re perfect! Thank you. Now, if you’ll let me, I should get back to work organizing this feast!”

“Don’t let me stop you, Miz Rose,” Rowanoak said, smiling.

\----

“Where exactly is this bear, Lord Brocktree?” Martin asked the badger. They had been walking for several hours, with Martin and Brocktree striding far ahead of the rest of the group.

“The cave is a half hour’s march to the east. I’m trying to tire that lot out so we can deal with the bear on our own,” Brocktree explained.

“I don’t think Jukka or Ranguvar are going to tire out anytime soon.”

“I don’t think so either, but the otters are starting to fall behind, and Dotti may lose interest and start wondering what’s for lunch, and Bucko’ll go with her.”

“Smart thinking, sire.” Jukka the Sling had pulled ahead, and now appeared before the badger and the mouse.

“Aye, smart thinkin’, but we’ve got the job done for you faster,” added Ranguvar. Brocktree’s eyebrows rose. “Bucko was gettin’ tired,” the squirrel explained, “so we enlisted his help to get the others to go another way. Deyna was in on it too, and between them both that rabble’ll be wandering right back into the clearing.”

“And we said that we’d go and get thee, sires.”

“That’s a clever scheme. I thank you for it. Come on, the bear’s cave is just over that next hill.”

\----

Back at the clearing, Brookflow and Sister Armel had taken over the preparations after it was (almost) unanimously decided that Rose should take a break and let someone else worry about it for a change. Boar had yet to return, not that anyone paid much mind after the heavy lifting was done.

“Be careful with that hotroot soup!” an abbey squirrelmaid cautioned the pair of otters wheeling in the immense pot.

“Don’t y’ worry ‘bout a thing, we’ve got it nice and steady,” Finnbarr Galedeep replied.

“Aye, we won’t drop a perfectly good pan o’ ‘otroot soup,” Brogalaw added. Just at that moment, a loud rumbling filled the clearing. Silverware clattered, and the huge pot shuddered.

“GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Came the booming voice of a fully-grown male badger, and not a moment too soon. An enormous boar burst into the clearing, followed by Boar the Fighter. The otters, unwilling to abandon the hotroot soup, stood directly in its path. As the boar was about to run them through, a shape ran in front of the otters. The boar skidded to a halt. Martha Braebuck held a quarterstaff in both her paws, and was only slightly shaking.

“We are beasts of peace,” she began. “And mean you no harm. Please, leave in peace, and we will leave you in peace.” The huge beast’s breath stunk in the haremaid’s nostrils. The boar cocked its head slightly, as if considering her words. Then it lowered its head and prepared again to charge. “EULALIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAA!” Martha roared, and began to beat back the boar with her quarterstaff. Inch by inch, she drove the beast back, out of the clearing, until it turned tail and fled.

“Martha!” Sister Armel ran over, checking to see if the haremaid had been hurt.

“I’m fine,” Martha said, her voice a little horse from giving the badger warcry.

Boar the Fighter was looking sheepishly at his footpaws. Bella of Brockhall and Cregga Rose Eyes, back with the molecrew from that day’s work to restore Brockhall, surveyed the scene.

“Care to explain, father?” Bella asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Are you all right, Miss?” Boar asked Martha.

“I’m fine, Sir Boar.”

“Well?” Boar found himself surrounded by the Badger Mothers of Redwall Abbey.

“I was talking with Captain Rake and Bucko Bigbones,” the badger began.

“An’ were you all drunk?” Mother Mellus asked.

“We may have been…buzzed?” Cregga growled. “Fine. We were all pretty drunk. Someone let Bucko near the wine casks again. They were talking about their war experiences, and then began joking about how I’m named Boar, and wondering if I’d ever actually seen a boar. Eventually, they said I couldn’t win in a fight against a boar, and I said that I could. We…we made a bet, and today I went out to find a boar. I was trying to tire it out, but then…”

“You drove it into the clearing.” Bella sighed.

“We’re all very lucky that Martha was ‘ere to save Brog and Finnbarr from your drunken pride!” Constance reprimanded the Badger Lord.

“Martha, I think you should decide what Boar’s punishment for this reckless endangerment of our feast should be,” Rowanoak suggested.

“All right.” Martha looked over at the chastised badger. “As punishment, I sentence you to help Rose, Brooky, and Sister Armel set up the rest of the feast, and to help with the serving of the feast. I also sentence you to make sure that there are no leftovers.”

“Leftovers, wot? Lead me right t’ them, good lady!” Scarum announced. The company laughed, and the tight air fell away.

“It’s off to the kitchens with you, Boar the Fighter!” Brooky said, laughing in her characteristic manner.

\----------

They had finally reached the bear’s cave. Brocktree, Martin, and the squirrels stood in awe at the size of the den.

“Are you ready?” Brocktree asked, the warrior’s gleam in his eye.

“Ready.” Martin’s sword was drawn.

“I am ready, sire.” Jukka was twirling her sling.

“Let’s get ‘em.” Ranguvar had one of the otter javelins she carried in her paw.

“EEEEEEEULAAAAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“REDWAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!”

“FOESEEEEEEEEEEKEEEEEEER!”

“AYYYYYYYYY-YAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Bellowing their warcries, they plunged into the dark cave.

An hour later, the four companions emerged from the cave, followed by the bear. With the exception of the bear, they all had bandaged wounds. The bear was carrying a backpack.

“Are you sure that your friends won’t mind me joining you, Lord Brocktree?” The bear asked.

“They won’t mind a bit,” the badger replied, patting the immense paw of his new friend.

“I am sorry that you all got roughed up running into each other into the dark. I was sleeping, so I didn’t have any lanterns lit,” the bear explained.

“It’s quite all right.” Martin the Warrior smiled at the mild-mannered bear.

\----------

“We’re back!” Ranguvar announced as they entered the clearing. Laterose of Noonvale marched up and took Martin by the collar.

“And what sort of time do you call this, Martin the Warrior?” She asked, struggling to keep the severe look on her face.

“Just in time for dinner?” Rose’s face mellowed, and she glanced up at the final member of their party.

“Hello!” The bear waved.

“Don’t worry. Bear just brought us some honeycake for the feast. It’s all right if they join us, right?”

“Oh! Honeycake! Well, that’s certainly a lovely addition to the spread! Come and sit down, please!” Rose bustled off, leading Bear to an empty chair.

“Ye missed a fine brawl while you were off fightin’ bears, Brocktree,” Rowanoak commented. Brocktree raised an eyebrow.

“What did you lot get into while we were gone?”

“I think ye’d best ask that question to Martha Braebuck, the fiercest boar-beatin’ haremaid this side o’ ‘ellgates!”

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally posted on [my tumblr](http://rangapaw.tumblr.com/post/141692316185/everyone-fights-a-bear). feel free to message me here or on tumblr with any feedback.


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